Why do I hate myself?
Do you feel feel stupid, useless and pointless?
Does your inner monologue sound like this?
You’ll never find anyone to love you, your house is a mess, everything is so fucking overwhelming you want to scream.
I wish I could disappear, or run away, or maybe a hole in the ground would open up and swallow me and then I wouldn’t have to go to work.
I could just hide. Ugh, anything would be better than this.
You’ve tried:
telling yourself that it doesn’t matter if you screw up.
standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself you’re great, but you still feel like you’re failing at life.
reading books on improving your self esteem
following loads of therapists on Instagram
You have nice friends who tell you you’re great (well, some of them are nice). Your family was ‘fine’, your parents weren’t horribly abusive, you should feel ok, but you don’t.
What is wrong with you? Why are you so weird?
Why this happens
Family patterns and emotional neglect
Hating yourself is a learned behaviour but it doesn’t always come from obvious abuse. If your family didn’t do emotions, didn’t talk about feelings, or didn’t show affection you won’t have much internal support. It’s like looking for a file in your head marked ‘I love you and you can do it’. If nobody in your family installed this file, it won’t be there when you look for it.
Your parents might not have been absent intentionally. Working long hours, juggling multiple jobs, being sick, or caring for others can also mean they weren’t available. Maybe your environment played a role:; bullying at school, a teacher who belittled you, moving house multiple times, or being part of a marginalised group. You might have expected safety in school, a church, or other institutions and instead faced abuse or neglect.
Adults often blame themselves for events that weren’t their fault: parents’ divorce, a loved one’s death, feeling ‘not good enough’ as a child, or other perceived mistakes. This can lead to self hatred in adulthood or what you’re colloquially calling ‘why am I such a loser?’
If you feel like your family still affects you, I work with adults with childhood trauma.
Learned self criticism
If you grew up in an unpredictable or critical environment, hating yourself can sometimes feel safer than risking anger or disappointment from others if you try and stand up for yourself. Over time, your inner voice reinforces: ‘I’m an idiot,’ ‘I can’t do anything right,’ ‘Nobody likes me.’
What to do when self hatred hits
When you feel stuck; useless, worthless, like nothing will ever change, it can feel lead to feeling hopeless. You might think there’s no lway to change this. But there is hope. I know because I’ve been there and helped many clients recover from these ‘attacks’. It can get better. Here’s what I want you to do.
Breathe
Slow, deep breaths activate your parasympathetic nervous system which is the system in your body which tells you things are ok. It helps your body calm down. Try inflating and deflating your stomach, not your chest. Inhale to the count of 4, exhale to the count of 4. Any slow breathing works. It takes practice, especially if you struggle with PTSD or complex trauma so think of this as a process not a test.
2. Come back to now
If you’re not in immediate danger, come back to the present. This is known as grounding and reconnects your brain and body, helping you recognise that you are safe right now.
Pick a colour and find five things in that colour that you can see. Focus on your surroundings to come back to your body and the present.
3. Ask for help
If you can’t calm down, ask someone you trust for support. This could be a friend, partner, or even a pet. Think ahead about what helps you feel safe, and communicate that if possible.
If you don’t have anyone available, comforting objects or movement like walking, stretching, or sitting under a duvet can help you calm down.
4. If asking for help feels too hard
It’s normal to feel embarrassed about asking for help. Many people grew up learning that asking for help meant being weak. But everyone has different resources and comparing yourself to someone from a loving, supportive background is unfair. It’s not your fault.
5. Do something nice or yourself
Even if you’re able to calm down a bit, you should know that you may still feel fragile or wobbly. In the same way that you wouldn’t expect someone who had broken their leg to run a marathon as soon as they’d had their cast removed, try to remove unnecessary stress from your day or build in some breaks. Don’t schedule all your most hated and difficult tasks for the same day. Cut yourself a break and look after yourself. Trauma can be exhausting, and flashbacks (because these experience are often like feeling or emotional flashbacks to childhood) can last for days or even weeks.
Flashbacks can be a symptom of CPTSD which I help clients understand (and avoid!) in therapy.
6. Let yourself off the hook
You don’t need to be perfect. Skills take time to develop. If a step doesn’t work, try again. Self hatred is common in CPTSD, but you can learn tools to manage it and heal. I can help you with this if you need help.
Start somewhere
If this feels familiar, my online course Am I the Problem? helps you explore family dynamics that can cause self hatred.
Ready to dive right in? I offer online therapy for adults working on self hatred, family patterns, and relational trauma.
Book a free 15-minute call here: