Abusive parents in helping professions
Updated November 2025.
Hi, I’m Sarah, a Manchester psychotherapist working online with adults who have or suspect they have childhood trauma.
Sometimes the most confusing trauma comes from the people we should have been able to trust the most, especially when they were supposed to help others.
I’ve spoken with many clients whose abusive parent was a therapist, doctor, social worker, teacher, or police officer. At first, I thought that was unusual. Over time, I realised it’s more common than most people think. Some of the most respected people publicly (the ones “helping” others) were unsafe at home.
The irony of a parent who helps others but harms their own child
Parents who neglect or hurt their own children leave deep scars. But the harm is magnified when the same parent is praised in public for being caring, responsible, or protective.
Clients often describe watching their parent celebrated as a “pillar of the community,” while behind closed doors, that same parent was absent, dismissive, or even cruel, scary or violent.
It’s a contradiction that cuts deeply leaving children confused, silenced, and unsure who to trust.
The double betrayal
The betrayal is layered:
Being unsafe with the person who should have protected you.
Feeling you can’t tell anyone, because who would believe a respected social worker, teacher, or doctor could be abusive?
Clients describe:
Living a double life
Not knowing who they could talk to
Worrying they’d be blamed for “ruining” the parent’s reputation
Fear of financial instability if their parent lost their job
Feeling completely unseen when people said, “You’re lucky to have them”
Many children stay silent because it often feels like the only option.
When seeking help feels dangerous
This dynamic doesn’t always disappear in adulthood. Approaching professionals can feel terrifying when your last experience of a “professional” was harmful.
Some therapists or health providers struggle to believe that someone respected and caring publicly could be cruel at home. That disbelief can recreate the same gaslighting you experienced as a child.
Gaslighting doesn’t always come dramatically. It can sound like:
“They would never do that.”
“That doesn’t sound like them.”
“They’re wonderful with children.”
When respected adults deny your reality, it becomes harder to trust your own perception. You may swing between knowing you were mistreated and blaming yourself.
When parents know the system
Some abusive parents also understand complaint procedures, safeguarding processes, and how to present themselves externally. They may know exactly how to influence colleagues or avoid scrutiny.
This can shut down pathways to help. Professionals hesitate to intervene, doors close, and you’re left feeling trapped all over again.
Why does this happen?
There’s no clean answer. Some parents may genuinely try to “do better” outside the home. Others develop a professional persona they can’t sustain privately. Some never process their own trauma and pass it on.
But none of this excuses harming a child. And none of it means your experience isn’t real or valid.
You deserve to be believed
What I want you to know, clearly, is this: there are professionals who will believe you. Even if the first one doesn’t, keep looking until you find someone who does.
A good therapist will:
Understand the layers of betrayal
Recognize the confusion and self-blame this creates
Help you name and process what wasn’t okay
Give you practical guidance to rebuild trust, boundaries, and self-understanding
If this resonates, you can schedule a free call with me to see how I can help. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
You can access my online course ‘Am I the Problem’ here