My abusive parent was a therapist (or other helping professional)

Hi I’m Sarah. I’m a Manchester psychotherapist, working as a private therapist online via Zoom.

When people first started telling me that their abusive parent was a doctor, a social worker, a psychologist, a therapist, a police officer or another helping professional I thought it was a one off. After all, most parents had some kind of job and it was inevitable that some parents who worked in the ‘helping professions’ would be unsuitable for their role.

THE IRONY OF AN ABUSIVE PARENT AS A HELPING PROFESSIONAL

Parents who are or were emotionally, physically or sexually abusive, who were absent, neglectful or emotionally unavailable leave long lasting impacts on their children, and this is magnified when the parents are responsible for the safeguarding or protection of others, particularly of children. The irony of living with a parent who not only fails to protect you but who is actively harmful and then who goes out to work to do the job that they fail to carry out at home or who is praised by society for their selflessness as a pillar of the community cuts deep.

It’s possible that among the clients I work with I have a high proportion of clients with parents or other family members in safeguarding, educational or protective roles, but it is now common enough that I am no longer surprised when a client suffering from CPTSD discloses to me that a parent or family member is responsible for ensuring that other people (or other children) are safe.

THE BETRAYAL OF THE CHILD

What I have noticed with these clients was that their betrayal in having an abusive parent is exacerbated by their family member’s job and that it often prevents a dilemma in seeking help. They frequently could not share their story with people who knew their parents or family members for fear of being disbelieved. Growing up, people want to believe that their family have their best interests at heart. To discover that this is not the case can be very confusing - who else can you go to for support as a young child when even your family are unsafe? Growing up in an unsafe family leaves deep and long lasting scars that cause people to feel left out, cast adrift, unable to trust themselves, and sometimes living a double life.

If you combine the betrayal of a parent or family member who is dangerous with the fact that their job is to help and protect others, the confusion is mind blowing. Many abused or neglected children are familiar with being told ‘but your parent' is so nice!’ or ‘your parent is so good at their job! They are so loving and caring!’ Clients recall being told ‘you are so lucky to have them as your family’. The isolation that comes from knowing that you cannot tell anyone because you will be in trouble or that your parent might lose their job which would then cause financial instability and you might be blamed for this is too much to bear. Coupled with the guilt from ‘destroying your family’ or being told that ‘you are lying’ and many children just opt to keep quiet.

RETRAUMATISATION BY THERAPISTS AND OTHER PROFESSIONALS

Seeking help from a professional can be daunting, but seeking help from a professional can be re-traumatising if you fear being dismissed in a similar way to your personal experience. I often have clients who have experience of mistreatment or unprofessional experiences from previous therapies or health providers added into the mix. Even when treated sensitively, clients can find trust difficult to come by when they have been emotionally abused or gaslighted by people they should have been able to trust. Professionals may struggle to believe that a social worker or mental health nurse could be emotionally abusive or that a doctor could be physically abusive and that can lead to feeling gaslighted by not just your own family but also by the exact people supposed to help.

WHEN YOU’RE GASLIGHTED BY PEOPLE THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP

The gaslighting (a term coined first in a play where the male lead turned down the gas lamps and then told his wife she was imagining it when she questioned why the lights were dimming) can be insidious and clients may be left not being able to discern right from wrong. Or they struggle with cognitive dissonance, where they simultaneously understand that they were mistreated yet blame themselves. This comes as a result of trying to understand parents who did not intervene in violent family situations, who did not provide adequate clothing, food or other resources such as healthcare or basic emotional support, who belittled and humiliated their children and then shut the door and went off ‘to help make the world a better place’.

WHEN YOUR ABUSIVE PARENT PLAYS THE SYSTEM

Then you have the fact that your parent knows the system and the process for complaint far better than you. Your parent might be in a position of authority and colleagues may not be willing to defy them, or may become involved in any investigations regarding them which should not but does still happen. You may find doors close when you try to seek help if other professionals are not willing to go up against your parent either because of their powerful position or perhaps out of misguided loyalty.

ALICE MILLER AS A FAMOUS EXAMPLE

The famous Swiss psychologist Alice Miller, who wrote extensively on child abuse and wrote several books, was considered an expert on the topic and whose books were often used as teaching material was exposed by her son Martin Miller as abusive after her death in 2010. He released his own book detailing his experience of her as a mother, who was extolled by many as a shining light in child development and protection. In reality her position of power meant that it was impossible for him to find an impartial therapist to help him and he says that she paid his therapists to record sessions, using material for books or simply to spy on him and discover information on him.

WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?

I think it is inevitable to wonder how or why this can happen, and I am not sure of the answer. I have wondered whether there is a desire to ‘do better’ and help others escape alongside the inability to escape the parent’s own personal traumas and inability to manage their own emotions. Many people have a professional persona and in these situations the professional persona is an extreme one which is not extended in the family home. This does not in any way excuse the parent’s behaviour. Many people suffer terrible abuse and do not go on to be abusive or neglectful with their own children. Please remember that there are therapists out there who will believe you and if you do not find one on your first attempt, I hope that you are able to keep looking until you find one.