What is shame?
I’m Sarah Lee and I’m a psychotherapist working online. I’m based in Manchester and have been working with clients to heal from shame for the last 10 years.
In this post, I’m going to cover:
What is shame?
Where does shame come from?
How can we recognise shame?
How can therapy heal shame?
What else can we do to reduce and cope with shame?
What is the meaning of shame?
Although shame has been talked about a little more since Brené Brown introduced the topic to the mainstream, many people still understand very little about shame. So how do we define shame? Since it is often considered a shadowy topic, it is not always discussed even among friends or in relationships and it can be easy to feel alone with shame, which exacerbates feeling isolated and ashamed.
Shame is often defined as the feeling that there is something wrong with us, that we are somehow faulty or not ok. It can be a feeling of humiliation or unworthiness. It is different to guilt, with which is it often confused, in that it’s about who we are and not what we have done. Whilst we can avoid doing things wrong in an attempt to bypass guilt, we cannot avoid being ourselves to bypass shame and the enduring and destructive emotion can wreak much damage when left unchecked.
Where does shame come from?
Shame comes from many different sources and understanding where it originates from can help us to better understand ourselves and begin to deconstruct and fight against it.
Shame in childhood
We learn much of what we understand about feelings in our family of origin. Unfortunately many people have little to no emotional literacy or education around feelings, how to tolerate them, how to express them or even how to recognise them. We largely inherit the parenting of our parents’ parents and without any insight or motivation to change these out of date ideas can run unchecked.
Discipline and shame
Old fashioned ideas such as feeling that children should be seen and not heard, that they should be obedient or respect all elders can lead to difficult and fractured family relationships. Families that are ruled by fear or in an authoritarian way can be scary, lonely and emotionally distant for children and leave them feeling alone, confused and struggling to find their place in the world.
Corporal punishments meted out by family or other adults teach children that they are not ok, that they do not fit or that they are not good enough. Other forms of physical abuse such as bullying or from siblings can also contribute to this.
Abuse and shame
All forms of abuse lead to chronic shame. Since children are usually unable to escape the family home, emotional abuse, emotional neglect (CEN), sexual abuse and misattunement all affect the child’s sense of self and consequently their self esteem. Unable to live in a chaotic world where parents are hurtful and cruel, the child concludes that the fault lies within them. This allows the child to believe that they are safe if they change themselves. No matter how hard the child tries however, an emotionally unstable or dysfunctional parent will not meet their emotional needs. To read more about childhood trauma and different types of abuse please click here.
The mother wound
Much emphasis is placed on the bond between mother and child. For children who don’t have a close relationship with their mother, the results can be devastating. Not only might the child struggle in their relationship with the parent, but it will also affect their relationship with partners, friends, their own children and anyone they come into contact with. The imprint that they are not important, not valued and not loved will translate into their own feelings of shame, self hatred and self loathing.
How do I recognise shame?
Shame is not always included when talking about feelings. Many people will happily reference emotions such as sadness or disappointment but leave out shame completely. It can manifest as a feeling of badness or discomfort, felling like there is something wrong with who we are no matter our attempts to dispel it. You might describe this as wanting to disappear, wishing a hole in the ground would swallow you up or you might experience a fight/flight/freeze/friend/flop response. This is when the situation is so scary and overwhelming that your brain selects an autopilot response and can be a symptom of CPTSD (complex trauma) or childhood trauma.
Addictions and shame
To cope with shame people adopt many tactics from drinking, smoking, taking drugs which can lead to addictions issues to gambling, overeating, binge eating, dissociating, spending too much time on their phones, online or playing online games. They might also experience panic attacks, anxiety, physical symptoms that cannot be explained medically or resort to self soothing methods such as skin picking or hair pulling (also known as dermotillomania and trichotillomania respectively). All of these responses can be symptoms of chronic or toxic shame.
The language of shame
Clients with childhood trauma frequently use similar language. They say things like
I’m disgusting
I’m pathetic
I hate myself
I’m such a loser
Nobody likes me
I’m such a failure
I can’t get anything right
References to being stupid, idiotic, rubbish, garbage, worthless, pointless, useless are common and often stem from verbal abuse or emotional abuse heard growing up.
How can we deal with shame?
To start to dismantle shame, we must start with understanding its roots and naming the problem. We can do this by exploring where the shame originated (see suggestions above). In the type of therapy that I do, I offer a lot of feedback, opportunities for clients to ask questions, and am happy to share what I think about the client. This offers a chance to experience interacting with someone in a healthy way. Since I’m normally able to notice when people are struggling with shame or experiencing flashbacks I can point this out to them and teach them ways to stay present and come back.
I may also share some of my own personal experience if relevant, since shame often tells us that others are doing better than us or that we are alone in suffering or feeling rejected. Empathy or understanding in therapy can help to lower shame and offer a new experience where we feel seen, understood and safe.
What else can we do to cope with shame?
Connection is the best antidote to shame, although a fear of rejection or feeling ‘shame about the shame’ can stop us from reaching out to others and leave us feeling paralysed.
If you have trusted friends or family, they are normally a good bet for emotional support. If you don’t have this, self care activities such as walking or meditation can support your nervous system and allow your body to calm down and understand that the emergency has passed. Spending time outside or in nature can also be very soothing to our nervous system and help to us feel safe.
Can we learn to resist shame?
Since trauma survivors are often mired in shame they have many triggers and are therefore likely to be triggered more frequently. With understanding and patience we can learn to see when our tolerance to shame is nearing its limit or recognise situations where we are likely to be triggered. With support and therapy, recovery from shame attacks becomes quicker and easier and we develop resilience to triggers and difficult situations. This does not mean that you will never experience shame, rather that you will learn to tolerate it and to avoid being decimated by it.