Surviving Christmas with childhood trauma
How do you get through Christmas without having a nervous breakdown?
Here’s why I recommend a reality check, a plan and a large dollop of self compassion. Hot chocolate is optional but recommended.
Christmas is a wonderful time... or is it?
For many childhood trauma survivors, Christmas is a Trojan Horse. If you remember your Greek history, the wooden horse was a gift concealing soldiers lying in wait to attack Troy.
If you have a difficult relationship with your family, you will probably spot the similarities but may still be holding on to the idea that a Christmas spent with them is indeed a gift, even if past experience has taught you that it's dangerous to drop your guard.
Why do we get Christmas Amnesia?
If you’re staring in the face of another calamitous Christmas, it’s not your fault.
When December rolls around, the relentless Christmas brainwashing begins.
Christmas is a happy time, we are told repeatedly and in many different media forms, and family are often portrayed at the heart of this, with family dinners, roaring fires, board games and raucous parties. If you are not happy at Christmas, you can quickly feel like a failure, and you might also mistakenly believe that it’s just you having a shit time and hiding in the toilet or pretending to pick up something from the supermarket just to escape for 20 minutes.
If you've grown up in a dysfunctional family, your memories of Christmas are unlikely to match the jolly Christmas adverts. Instead you are more likely to list arguments, drunk and abusive family members, long awkward silences and an aching feeling that you're missing out on something warm and comforting that remains elusive and out of reach.
Christmas can be a trigger
Christmas can be a trigger, or many triggers for various reasons:
More time with family
Pressure to have fun
Substance abuse triggers such as drinking or having fun
Alcohol abuse and family members drinking too much
Lack of other activities such as work to occupy people
Reminders of previous difficult Christmases
Traditions that don't work for you
Feeling like you've missed out on a 'good Christmas'
Arguing over presents or gift giving
Financial pressures to meet Christmas expectations
Estrangement from family
Grief of family members who are no longer with you
Missing loved ones who can’t be there
Feeling responsible for difficult family members so they aren't on their own at Christmas
Childhood beliefs about Christmas
With so much pressure to have a perfect time, many people fall back on childhood beliefs about what Christmas should be like or try to recreate their childhood Christmases.
You might have mixed feelings about Christmas; looking forward to a break from work but dreading seeing family or worrying about money but wanting to give your children a happy family Christmas (especially if you never had one yourself.
It's ok to feel conflicted about being pulled in different directions and it's normal to feel a mix of what most people call 'positive emotions' (happiness, joy, excitement) and 'negative emotions' such as anxiety, annoyance, shame and anger. Try not to make your life harder by berating yourself for feeling the wrong thing. Feelings come and go and it's common to go through various feelings especially if your childhood was traumatic or you're one of the millions of survivors of abuse.
When you finally escape your dysfunctional family dynamics
The holiday season can be traumatic for everyone
If you don't celebrate Christmas, other people might think you've escaped the Christmas madness but you're still likely to be spending more time with family or have family obligations and be less able to avoid difficult people especially if you're not at work and everything is shut.
The holidays can be traumatic and lonely for all religions and atheists because it's likely to include reminders of expectations that are hard to avoid and you might get less empathy because other people don't get it.
Think about previous triggers
As painful as it can be to think about previous Christmas triggers, it can be helpful to fight the denial and see what worked and what didn't.
Think about who is particularly triggering
Are some people too dangerous to spend any time with?
Are places or traditions particularly triggering?
Is it better in the morning when people are less drunk?
How long can you spend with family?
How long did it take you to recover from previous Christmases?
Plan a peaceful Christmas
Now see if you can plan a Christmas that avoids at least some of your triggers.
You don't have to see unkind or cruel people (and it's also ok if you're not there yet with avoiding them).
You can cut back on times spent with difficult people
You can include breaks
You might be able to stay somewhere else or leave early
Include self care
Christmas boundaries
Is this Christmassy enough for you?!
A word on Christmas boundaries; if you find setting boundaries difficult or you have family members who ignore boundaries (because most abusive and narcissistic families ignore boundaries) then it is likely to be extra challenging to start setting boundaries at Christmas time.
This doesn't mean you will never be able to set boundaries or that it won't get easier but I think setting boundaries at Christmas is a bit of a baptism of fire so if it doesn't work well, please go easy on yourself.
Be realistic about Christmas
Try not to set yourself unrealistic goals or outcomes for Christmas.
Planning to start working on setting boundaries with abusive family members is always a good idea and people often need support to do this. This can be done year round and can benefit all areas of your life.
Childhood trauma therapy
If you'd like to get support for your childhood trauma or you'd like to start working on your peaceful Christmas for next year, you can arrange a free 15 min call to see if we're a good fit for therapy.