What is the best therapy for childhood trauma?
‘I’ve tried therapy for childhood trauma before and I didn’t get the results that I wanted’
Unless you know a lot about therapy, trying to find a good therapist is hard work.
I went through seven different therapists before I finally felt like I was getting somewhere.
You already feel bad, you don’t have the time to be wading through pages of profiles, wondering what all the acronyms mean. Trying to sort out the differences between a therapist and a counsellor or wondering what CBT is and if it’s better or worse than person centred, Gestalt or all the other strange words you don’t understand.
Of course you want someone qualified, but what you really want more than anything is a therapist who gets childhood trauma, a therapist who gets you and who can tell you where you’re supposed to be going and what you’re supposed to be doing.
Your last therapist didn’t say very much
You’ve had the counsellor who sat there and smiled and nodded and listened and while it was nice to vent, you’re not sure it really helped.
You’ve had the psychologist who pointed out (rather obviously you thought) that your mother was cold and disconnected. Maybe you even got a fancy diagnosis like PTSD.
You learnt all the jargon: ‘mother wound’, ‘cold mother syndrome’ and ‘childhood emotional neglect’.
Yes, that’s great you think. Now what the fuck do I actually do about it?
How do I stop thinking everyone hates me? When am I going to stop feeling so empty, like someone scooped out where my heart should be with one of those serrated grapefruit spoons?
When is someone actually going to help me feel better?!
Well, maybe you’re not that desperate yet, but you’re close.
And you want to know if I’m different, or if I’m just the same as everyone else you’ve already seen, before you part with your hard earned money only to end up disappointed, ashamed and feeling like yet again it must be you.
Does therapy even work?
By now, you might think that therapy doesn’t work or isn’t suitable and just as I’m always a bit suspicious when someone says they don’t like chocolate (did you try the really good stuff or are you still eating Cadburys?) I think it’s highly likely that you’ve just not found the right fit yet.
I know I’m biased, but a psychotherapist who didn’t believe in psychotherapy is probably a bit of an anomaly. So I’m going to talk a bit about what I do in therapy and how this is different to what you’ve experienced before.
Trauma informed therapy
It can be really tempting for clients to tell me everything. If you know that you’re traumatised, don’t tell me everything. I’ll encourage you not to tell me details of abuse or I might stop you if you’re giving me too much info.
Why would I do that? Because you don’t know me. And whilst I know I’m trustworthy, you don’t yet. And besides if we’re not a good match, I might need to refer you and it’s normally easier to start again when you feel like you haven’t already spilled your guts out.
Why would a therapist need to refer me?
Aren’t you supposed to be a great therapist?!
I am a great therapist. I know this because my clients get better.
And also because I frequently get people who’ve ‘run out of therapists’ or ‘tried all the good ones’ and are still stuck.
But I’m not the best therapist for everyone, and I’d sooner tell you than waste your time (and your money). Probably not a great sales tactic, but I’d rather be honest than tell you I can help you when I can’t.
After all you’ve already had a lot of people bullshit you, haven’t you?
Was it really childhood trauma?
It’s normal that clients come into therapy doubting themselves. They often feel that what they went through wasn’t bad enough to be childhood trauma. Sometimes they feel traumatised, but at other time they may wonder if they imagined what happened to them. They may also be told by family members that abuse did not happen or that they are overly sensitive or responsible for the abuse they received.
This is called gaslighting and happens a lot in dysfunctional families.
Childhood trauma feels like such a serious claim
For many people trauma is something that happens to other people. The kids who had holes in their shoes or worse. It can be hard to admit that your childhood was anything less than idyllic. You don’t need to label what happened to you as trauma if it feels like too much.
We can start by thinking about what’s happening to you right now and the symptoms you’re experiencing or what you’re feeling and work from there.
How do I know if you’re the right therapist for me?
I work best with a particular type of client, and that might not be you. You will need to find me likeable, if my slightly weird anecdotes are not for you, they’re going to really grate on you by the 4th session and you’re going to find me annoying instead of helpful.
You’ll also have to be willing to pay me a bit more than the average therapist. You’ll probably wonder if it’s worth it, couldn’t you buy a small car for all the money you’re expected to pay to get better? Why is therapy so damned expensive?
And I get it, I’ve spent thousands on y own therapy. But without it, I’d still be a crumpled mess, crying on the floor and eating cake for breakfast, lunch, dinner and elevenses. So all in all, I’d say not feeling like shit was worth it.
I don’t want to spend all my money on therapy!
You don’t have to. The money I spent was over several decades, and honestly some of the therapy I had was not worth the money.
I made sure to train in the method I found the most helpful so you can skip all the ‘how does that make you feel’ stuff or the long silences that make you wonder if your therapist is planning their Tesco order in their head, and what exactly you’re supposed to say next.
It is important to find someone affordable for you and I don’t know what your priorities are.
How long will therapy take?
Clients do tend to stay long term with me, so I would assume at least a year of therapy possibly 2-3 depending on how deep seated your issues are, your budget, time and energy for healing.
We start by looking at what happened to you growing up and what it was like for you. When we do this, you do not need to give me all the triggering details. You can be vague, or give an overview.
There is no need to give details of abuse. In fact, I encourage you not to give details. You don’t yet know me and you don’t need to tell me all the bad things happened to you. Sometimes people feel the need to ‘get everything out’ but this rushing can be counterproductive because it can result in feeling exposed and vulnerable and mean you might feel like running away.
It’s better to go slowly and build up trust.
You can read more about how long therapy for childhood trauma takes here How long will therapy take?.
I give lots of feedback in therapy
Clients describe previous therapy as ‘good for venting to but I didn’t get much input’, ‘my therapist was a blank slate and didn’t like answering questions’ ‘my therapist just listened and didn’t really say anything’ or ‘we talked a lot about what happened but I never really knew what to do about it’. I give lots of feedback because I find that’s really helpful for my clients and stops them imagining what I’m thinking or feeling.
People who had to gauge the room to feel safe will make a lot of assumptions about what’s going on and not all of them will be correct.
Learning to speak about what’s happening to you and checking out if your theories are correct helps you to separate the past and the present.
It’s the therapist’s job to direct therapy
It isn’t your job to guide the therapy, it’s mine. That’s not to say you can’t set the pace and bring the topic but you aren’t expected to know what needs to change or how to change it. If you’re used to looking after your parents, being responsible for what people do and feel or being in charge you might be used to the expectation that you will know all the answers. That’s not fair and doesn’t allow you to explore the parts of you that might feel less in control. It can be a relief to realise that you don’t have to be in control in therapy or trying to work out what to do next.
Can I give my therapist feedback?
Are you annoyed with me? Scared of me? Do I remind you of someone you used to know? Did I make a face and you wondered what I was thinking?
I encourage you to let me know how you feel about how we’re interacting and what that means to you. This helps you to identify what you find difficult or triggering and where it comes from.
This allows you to start seeing the past as it really was and now how you were told to experience it by others. It also gives you a chance to practice scary conversations with someone who isn’t going to bite your head off (unlike your mum).
I’ll give you feedback in therapy
Do your relationships crash and burn?
You meet someone and you like them, they like you but then it never seems to work out.
One minute you’re into them and the next minute you’re backing away.
Or they seem into you but then they ghost you. And you find yourself wondering what the hell happened.
Maybe you’re just not picking the kind of people who treat you well but you’ve no idea how to change it. How do you know who will treat you well and who will behave badly when you’ve just met them?
Is is hard for you to maintain friendships but you’re not sure why?
You attract people that want to be your new best friend, but they always end up asking for more and more favours and you find yourself increasingly trying to hide your annoyance behind a polite smile.
Why do people always expect you to be the strong one? Everyone wants to tell you their problems, but it’s hard to find people who are supportive when you’re struggling.
Sometimes you feel like your friendships are just a bit one sided. Why are people so competitive? Can’t they be happy when something goes well for you?
Do you secretly wonder if you’re annoying but don’t dare to ask anyone in real life?
Since people repeat patterns in therapy from their real life, we will talk about how you present in therapy and what that means in your outside life. You might talk too fast, turn up late or make a lot of jokes. You might not always be aware of the impact your behaviour has on others so it’s my job talk about the things that others might not be brave enough to tell you. I’m on your side so the aim isn’t to embarrass you, but changing patterns is likely to involve looking at things differently and work out what they’re about.
Can therapists talk about themselves?
In therapy speak, therapists talking about themselves is called ‘self disclosure’.
Although this is your space, if I think something that I’ve experienced might help you then I’m happy to share what I’ve learned. I’ve found that it helps clients if I share my experience; they feel less alone, they feel less shame and they know that I understand how they feel from a real life perspective and not just a theoretical one. I don’t believe in being a blank slate (a therapist who does'n’t react), I experienced this as cold and unfeeling and clients report preferring ‘real interactions and real connections’.
Therapy isn’t always talking about ‘bad things’
If you think this all sounds very serious, you’re right because it’s important that you feel heard and validated.
But, we won’t just talk about the bad things. We can also celebrate your progress (a lot), I’ll give you compliments that I know you’ll hate and try to ignore, talk about what motivates you despite the fact that you cannot manage to get a single thing actually finished and what makes you feel alive.
It’s fine if these things are hard at first or if you don’t know the answer to my questions, I’ll help you to find out.
You don’t have to do this by yourself anymore.
Sound good? Click here to book a free 15 minute call to find out how I can help you get started.