Family estrangement
Hi, I’m Sarah and I’m a UK Psychotherapist.
I’ve been working with childhood trauma for 15 years now and have worked with many clients who are considering estrangement or who have been estranged from family members.
Estrangement is a term used to describe a breakdown in communication in a formerly close relationship. This includes family members, friends or partners.
Family estrangement is a common topic in therapy with childhood trauma survivors. It is rarely discussed with freedom in the real world and there is often a lot of shame and emotion associated with the topic. It’s common for clients to feel like they’re breaking an unspoken taboo by discussing their thoughts or feelings about family members.
How common is family estrangement?
Despite the fact that it’s often discussed only in rather hushed tones (or not at all), estrangement is relatively common. Estimates suggest that between 20-25% are estranged from at least one member of their family.
What is family estrangement?
Family estrangement is normally a complete cutting off of contact, sometimes referred to as ‘no contact’ or abbreviated to NC in online forums or on social media.
What is No contact?
NC is normally just this. No contact at all. This sometimes involves the blocking of family or relatives on social media or on phones. It normally involves no further visits or calls or any form of communication.
What is Low contact?
Low contact can be both a middle ground or a path to or back from no contact. This often involves minimal contact. Perhaps limited contact such as cards or presents on birthdays or at Christmas. It will sometimes involve attending events where the family member will be in attendance. It might involve limited communication or intermittent communication albeit on a superficial basis.
You may be estranged from one, several, multiple or all members of your family. You may have some better or closer relationships or none at all.
The estrangement can be temporary or permanent.
Why does family estrangement happen?
Clients who come to me already estranged from one or more members of their family have often experienced a lifetime of struggle with their ‘difficult families’.
Estrangement is normally the last straw in a long, painful, decades long experience of feeling misunderstood, minimised and ignored (or even plain gaslit).
It is often a gradual process as people learn what healthy and respectful communication looks like and learn to expect to be treated well. At some point the balance tips and they decide they can no longer support the relationship.
Does therapy cause estrangement?
Therapy is ideally a place to unpick, complicated and painful dynamics.
The vast majority of therapists, psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors are ethical and responsible and take their jobs very seriously. (Please note however that there are currently no legal requirements in the UK before offering therapy or indeed coaching. For more on this topic, please see my blog here)
This does unfortunately mean, that there are therapists and coaches who do cause harm or who do not have their clients’ best interests at heart. Please pay attention to your feelings around your therapist or coach and talk to someone if you are concerned about their behaviour.
What therapy does often do is provide a structure and understanding for what happened in the family.
Clients often come with a strange, nebulous sense that ‘something was wrong’ without really understanding what or why or who was to blame.
As a trained outsider, I am not emotionally involved in your situation and am less susceptible to being sucked into justifying frankly appalling behaviour.
I have heard from clients that they have been:
Shouted at
Hit
Called names
Sexually abused
Given no say or right to protest their treatment
Told their feelings or opinions don’t count
Told that it’s better just to ignore what happened in the past
Financially exploited by family members
Guilted or emotionally blackmailed into tolerating or staying in situations that were abusive
Blamed for their abuse
I find that there are often double standards with families. Whilst people often have a better understanding of romantic relationships being abusive, they will often overlook or condone abusive behaviour from family members under the guise of ‘blood ties’. Pete Walker has called some families like ‘cults’ and I agree with this.
If your family has no interest in how you feel and does not allow you to complain about how you are treated this is problematic at best and abusive at worse. People who care about you should care about how you feel and be willing to listen if you’re struggling with their behaviour.
Do therapists recommend no contact?
I don’t encourage or discourage no contact.
Instead I do the following:
Listen to what the client wants
Help them understand what is appropriate/inapproproriate behaviour
Help them discuss their concerns with those people (if safe or appropriate. It is only safe to discuss concerns with people who have shown some capacity to listen to you in the past. Many family members do not meet these criteria).
Some clients come either having estranged or ready to estrange and are worried that I will judge them or dissuade them. I don’t believe it’s up to me to decide what’s best for you so this is something you have decided already I am happy to provide support and help you work through your feelings around it.
Some clients are unsure which approach to take and may try low contact first or grey rock. Grey rock is a method of communication which involves fairly superficial topics and means of engaging, confining conversations to ‘safe’ topics without much personal investment. This sometimes works well for people particularly if there are other family members you wish to stay in contact with or for people who have a less severe impact on your mental health.
The emotional impact of estrangement
Estrangement invokes strong emotions on both sides.
It’s common to experience guilt, shame, anger and sadness. You may go through different phases of these emotions and return to them later.
Therapy can help manage these emotions, by learning to express them safely. Many people grew up in an environment where it was not safe to be emotional or where no support was given if you were. Being around people who accept how you feel can help manage the emotional reponse.
Is reconciliation possible?
The long answer is It depends. The shorter answer is that in my experience by the time estrangement happens people have often reached their limit and have incurred so much damage that they no longer wish to try.
Reconciliation is dependent on both parties being involved and willing to listen to the other.
People who estrange themselves may have spent many years doing the majority of the work. The other person may not be willing to change or acknowledge your feelings.
Dr. Jonice Webb defines three types of parents in her book ‘Running on Empty’. She believes that only one type is capable of change; the type who were unintentionally neglectful but are willing to take responsibility for the hurt they have caused.
I have been somewhat surprised by working with survivors of childhood trauma that many of even the most abused people would often be willing to consider some form of reapproach if the family member were willing to apologise and change their behaviour.
In my experience, this is a rare occurrence and most people do not receive any apology or willingess to change. I can count on one hand the number of clients who have received a heartfelt apology alongside the necessary work (in therapy) that creates real change.
Whilst I may sound unsympathetic, I acknowledge that many abusive and neglectful family members have themselves experienced terribly lonely and abusive childhoods. This does not however give them a pass to continue this abuse with their children or other family members. It is necessary to accept that harm was done and most people struggle to do this.
Therapy for family estrangement
Therapy can help provide a space to speak freely about family estrangement and unpick the consequences of your upbringing. Many people repeat unhealthy dynamics with new partners, friends or at work without realising it and need support to break free.
Whilst it is often recommended to set boundaries, many family members will simply ignore boundaries so it’s also often necessary to prepare people for this and help them decide their next steps when their boundaries have been ignored.
If you’d like to explore therapy with me you can book a free call here
To view my course ‘Am I the problem’ which helps you to start breaking free of unhealthy family dynamics, click here